If you are a journalist with a top-selling magazine, put a turbaned and bearded fella on the cover with an AK-47. That way, he will appear to have the authenticity of a religious Muslim.

ALWAYS add “terrorists”, “extremists”, “fundamentalists”, “Taliban” and all the negative words you can think of, and that they wouldn’t apply to people of other faiths.

If a bomb explodes anywhere, even if it is planted by someone else, blame the Muslims first.

You can always retract the story the next day. After all it is a trending thing. Who doesn’t want to be with the crowd?

If you are one of those sleep-deprived fellows, you should rush your tweet at 3am blaming Muslims first before the truth is discovered.

If you are a journalist with a top-selling magazine, put a turbaned and bearded fella on the cover with an AK-47. That way, he will appear to have the authenticity of a religious Muslim even if he turns out later to be a non-Muslim. Yes, blame the Muslims first. Because, you may lose the window of opportunity to apportion blame on the Muslims.

There are more than 1.6 billion Muslims who do not carry bombs, Kalashnikovs or any other weapons, but these people do not make interesting news.

These multitude of Muslims are busy being good, but they do not an interesting story make.

Blaming Muslims sells papers, magazines and prime-time slots. Blame Muslims in Breaking News. That way, millions can see, listen and read before you retract the story.

Should you decide to write a book about Muslims, nothing can beat the title: A World With No Muslims.

In that world, no bombs will explode. Extremists and fundamentalists will magically disappear. No suicide bombers. Never mind the fact that the first suicide bombers were Tamil Tigers. Never mind the fact that they were not Muslims.

There will be no Iraq to bomb. No Saddam Hussein to blame for the non-existent weapons of mass destruction.

George Bush, Tony Blair and Donald Trump, too, will move their families there and live unhappily ever after in what is left of their messed-up Mesopotomia.

Syria will be renamed Russyria and Putin will move into Assad’s palace. There won’t be wars to speak of, even between Russia and America. Unless of course, Putin decides to embrace Islam. Because, there must at least be a Muslim to start some trouble.

A World With No Muslims is a peaceful world. This idea must be drummed into everyone through all manner of media.

The newspapers must recruit weekly columnists to celebrate the absence of Muslims. Without Muslims, Kim Jong-un will be as quiet as a North Korean mouse. North Korea’s nuclear heads will melt into thin air.

All the major powers — America, Russia, China, France, Britain and Germany — will magically resolve all conflicts.

The United Nations will self-destruct. The world body was only formed to keep the Muslims under control.

In A World Without Muslims, you can make America great again without having any walls. Trump’s wall across Mexican-American border was merely to keep the Mexican Muslims out.

There will be no need to bring jobs back to America. In A World Without Muslims, there will be no nations; it will just be called The Earth.

I suppose A World Without Muslims can live without coffee, shampoo, soap, perfume and toothbrush, just to give you a short list of what the Muslims brought to this world.

I do not want to include anaesthesia because that will worry you to death.

If you want the full list, visit Professor Ian Bremmer’s post “Imagine A World Without Muslims”. The list is the result of much research by the good professor.

There is no Muslim plot here. The only Muslim plot you will find is in Israel, where Muslims are maimed, mutilated, murdered and buried.

Oh yes, there is a Muslim sub-plot in Bosnia. Maimed, mutilated and murdered too. There are Muslim plots in other places too like Kashmir. Maiming and murdering Muslims is something expected.

No one should feel guilty about it. On the contrary, they should be rewarded like the army officer was rewarded in India when he paraded the poor Kashmiri as a human shield for hours.

Just in case you are curious about the first pair of human beings on earth, it was Adam and Hawwa (peace be upon them).

They were Muslims if you need to know.

So, the world as you and I know it cannot be without Muslims. If there were no Adam and Hawwa (pbut) , you will not be here.

Abdul Rahim Mydin, who is NST leader writer, thanks Binyavanga Wainaina for his ideas for this commentary

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